WHAT saddle sores?

2 Mondays ago, I took the elevator.
after cycling 130 miles over 15,000 feet that weekend, the 51 steps I normally take to my office can go screw themselves.

last year - while training for the Viva Vegas ride with Team in Training - several of my cycling buddies urged me to do this so-called 'Death Ride' with them in 2013. the name of it was all I had to hear in order to shake my head in a profuse ABSOLUTELY NOT fashion. this was not a task I was interested in tackling.

however, after a horrendous set of Holidays... I decided the Death Ride sounded perfect for me and signed up.

6 months later, a shower head in Carson City wakes me up at 2:30 in the morning. I crawl out of bed, squeeze in to spandex shorts sans underwear, eat some oatmeal, and pray for poop.

after no one poops, my nervous group of 4 caravans out to Markleeville at 3am. by 4am, we officially begin The Death Ride. (oh and FYI? the stars suck at providing packing light - but are wonderful at providing distraction)

as if cycling in the dark wasn't stupid enough already, it is even dumber when it is in a town where mice run rampant. the only highlight from this whole 'dark' portion of the day was when my buddy Gus dropped his water bottle, and it proceeded to roll down the mountain away from him as he yelled AHHH MY WATER BOTTLE!!!

the sun rose slowly as we climbed Monitor Pass. it was beautiful to watch the orange smack against the mountain tops in the background - this made the climb go by quickly. despite my photo'ing-while-cycling attempts, I could not get a crisp snap of anything... but hey, at least it documented my *blurry pass of Mr. Johnson.

once we hit the top of Monitor we received our 1st pass stickers (you get a different colored one at the completion of every pass), and we all had to pee. this was not a planned stop for us but hydrating for this sort of thing puts your bladder in near-explosion mode constantly. Gus turned in to a coach, filled my water bottles for me and got us to depart quickly for our trek down the backside of Monitor.

Ricky had a smile on his face this ENTIRE downhill. it was amazing, fast, scary, crowded, beautiful and accompanied by scattered ambulances... I dreaded the possibility of seeing an accident = inevitable panic attack. luckily that did not happen.
at the bottom we reconvened, choked down some food, and got our 2nd stickers - except for ME because seriously, who the F gives out stickers for completing a mountain they haven't begun??

after the long and winding climb back up Monitor Pass we stopped again at the rest stop.

I then proceeded to have a frantic debate about the fact I did not get sticker #2. after impatient tears and loud cursing (by yours truly), I got an authorized signature and the group headed out. (who thought at age 32, I would want a sticker so damn bad?)

on to Ebbetts Pass...
this mountain was the beginning of problems for many riders. it is a 12 mile climb featuring several double-digit % inclines, not to mention... the time of day brought sun and heat. I spoke to as many people as I could to keep my mind off of my thigh which threatened explosion at every switchback. stopping was difficult for everyone due to the steepness - clipping the cleats back in to the pedals on a 12% hill is treacherous.
I played bicycle leap-frog with my buddies on this one... we found ourselves passing each other during the other's break. Mark's thighs were cramping, Rai's knees were bursting, my right leg was tight, Ricky was tired... but Gus was GONE! I suspect his PopTarts had steroids.

once I reached the top, a volunteer immediately offered to rack my bike for me so I could refuel and catch my breath. Rai joined me. this stop was bustling with people and it was easy to lose sight of each other. we were standing at an elevation of 8,730 feet and were advised to not stay at this stop for very long as altitude sickness may set in.

after refilling waters, we headed down the other side of Ebbets... a dauntingly STEEP descent where I observed the people climbing back up to see how difficult this was going to feel soon - many of whom were stopped, sitting, or hovering forward in throw-up position.
bring it.

at the bottom was another rest stop where my friend Mark realized he should not proceed. his legs were doing terrible things and one absolutely positively needs to listen to the body in this situation. Rai and I set off once we were mentally recharged... NEXT!

2nd climb up Ebbetts...
grueling... for most. but THIS, was my game changer. I felt amazing. passing a lot of people on this climb gave me a huge boost of confidence but I did NOT forget how good it feels to be encouraged. so I spent time talking to people, getting minds off of the task at hand, asking about jerseys, ensuring everyone felt ok, telling them they are doing GREAT.

our next downhill was LONG... and awesome-balls. 75% of the way down though, my entire right shifter came loose rendering my gears and rear brake useless. thankfully I was able to coast the rest of the way to the next stop where a full mechanic service was ready to fix it. whew!

now the time crunch was on. we had to hit the next stop by 4pm in order to qualify to complete all 5 passes. we had 1hr 30min to get through a distance that should take us 1hr. after throwing down some crappy sandwiches and assuring my shifter now worked, we set out.

the roads were no longer closed from cars and did not have a bike lane - hence, almost shitting my shorts several times. I let Rai draft behind me for a longer period of time since his knees were hurting... there would not be much celebration in completing 5 passes if I did it alone.

Woodfords rest stop...
luckily, I made the 4pm cutoff by 30 min but was concerned when I did not see Rai. 15 minutes passed before I decided to continue. because he was in pain, I worried and felt terrible moving ahead. hopefully he was safe and okay.
this stop was by far the best - volunteers held bikes, applied sunscreen for you, showered you with hoses, fed you frozen watermelon... the group was energetic, supportive, and playing loud music. Ricky found me here and we continued together. it would be another 5 miles to the next stop, then 9 to the top of the 5th - and last - mountain.

Carson Pass...
the scenery is BEAUTIFUL here... we pulled over frequently to give Ricky's butt a rest. upon arriving at the next stop I was greeted with a YOU LOOK GREAT MISS! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE COLD WATER? *cue hysterical laugh. I am a walking salt lick.
9 more miles to go...

turning through a twisting hill, I pulled over to wait for Ricky and who do I see?? Mr. Johnson. thank GOODness! since he did not rest at either of the previous stops - he passed us while we were getting water. his tube popped earlier which caused us to separate but now here he was and I feel incredibly happy - and proud - to see him! since he is out of water, I give him mine and we crawled forward as a new group of 3.

when I realized we had a few miles left and - for some reason - felt good, I pushed forward. after turning a corner, the remaining climb is displayed across the side of the mountain. OH SHIT fell out of my face. correct my form, sip my water, ONE MORE.
passing people on a final climb feels AMAZING. when I arrived at the top, it did not feel real. volunteers smiled at me, gave me the final sticker, a special 5-pass finisher pin, and directed me toward the ice cream sandwiches. several people gave me 1:1 speeches of how big a feat this is and to be proud of myself for doing it - hearing that meant so much to me.

Rai crossed the top... then Ricky, who very swiftly threw his bike in the bushes upon completion.

we signed the 5-pass finisher poster, hugged, drank Pepsi, ate ice cream, and groaned when we realized there were 20 downhill miles left until we reached our cars.

in other news...
...by far, the Death Ride provided me with the most penis and butt sightings I have ever seen. can't say I am very happy about that.
...apparently I talk about my vageen so much, friends are buying me special chamois cream. win!
...my first BIG event that is not fundraising for something. and while I am proud of myself for completing this once *impossible ride, I could be prouder.
...the next day I drove up Carson Pass and snapped a better photo of our last mountain. 

because you ASKED for a poorly-written novel - that's why.

it is one thing to dread the early wake up call for that one day next weekend for that obligation you signed yourself up for. it is a whole other story to have it be the night before, when you set your alarm for 4:00am and your phone confirms: ALARM IS SET FOR 3 HOURS AND 51 MINUTES FROM NOW.

well anyway - after sleep-dressing myself at 4:15am, ensuring all of my bike gear was in my car, and then double-checking I actually had pants on, my friend Rai and I took off for the ride.
upon arrival I sorted out the storing locations for all of my food - my nutrition for the day consisted of a lot of gu's, gummies, and caffeine... and I wonder why I feel terrible for days afterward...

the beginning was a flash - excitement was contagious and everyone rode at a high cadence that they would regret later (me included) but, we did it anyway. Lockheed was on the road in full force - showing off cool jerseys and a boisterous individual (named John) whose normal volume was SHOUTING LEVEL... which was REALLY GOOD!!!!!!!!!!

I was bummed to discover that my usual 1st rest stop was not yet set up - it would only be for the shorter routes which had a later start time. but I stopped regardless and complained to myself about it. *grumble grumble.

the first major climb followed shortly and included much more quiet grumbling but also a LOT of conversing. cycling up hills like these allows me plenty of time to meet people and enjoy the scenery and experience. one couple was keeping a decent pace until the woman let it be known: I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE SLOW AND STEADY? I advised her partner I THINK SHE WANTS SLOWER AND STEADIER.

official rest stop 1 was short and sweet. coffee cake, bananas, PB&J's, nilla wafers, water, Gatorade... there were 3 large climbs left so the break simply served as a water-topper.

I took some group photos for SHOUTING-John before heading out with Rai.
this part of the ride gave me my all-too-familiar nervous pee sensation. rough road, steep downhill, fast cars, moist air collecting on sunglasses. imagining a crash was enough to keep me cautious.
eventually I passed Rai at a wicked speed. I love it when he chooses his wardrobe unwisely and has to pull over to change (thus allowing me said 'wicked speed' pass).

at the 2nd rest stop I found Rai (yes - he beat me) fiddling with his clothes.
again.

SHOUTING-John as well as a swarm of others arrived after me. we stretched, talked, sat, ate, and painfully hovered over the toilets to pee (if penis-less).

Rai's clothing choice shows we were close to the (cold) ocean. the next climb would take us north-west with views of golden rolling hills, green mountains, happy horses, and the Pacific... including a death-defyingly WINDY 2 miles on Highway 1.

rest stop #3 was crucial. it was the LAST stop before the longest and curviest (and final) climb - the moment I gave myself a Gladiator speech. will what I do in life really echo in eternity?

after urging an irresponsible cyclist to clean off the bloody road rash from his unsuccessful date with the pavement, we departed. he would survive.

Tunitas Creek Rd. was a monster. luckily I had lots of company! but unluckily... the first guy I talked to did not speak English, got nervous, and took off ahead of me. ok. : / I passed him soon after as he stopped on the side of the road and practically threw up. weird European. reminded me of my dog when a cat tries to play with him.

miles and switchbacks later I ran out of hill. I found everyone in stretching and pain-writhing positions at the top. the rest of the route was either downhill or flat - bring it.

and what is a finish line photo without a question from the dependable Mr. LaForga...
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

just 30 more miles than you - that is all.

in other (yet similar) news...
...$1,000 raised for the American Diabetes Association this year!
...I love the company I keep

Craaaaiiiiig!!!

my vageen is falling off.

not possible I am sure but also, possible - I am sure.
all of this bike riding was fine and dandy... before the steep hills every single weekend. nowadays, she is always pissed. luckily, I found this website that tells me nothing I already did not know. but it at least reassured me that my vageen is not the only one falling off one's body.

bored of cycle news? resume reading after 4 cycle photos.

Mt. Hamilton was blessed with my friends and sweat and tears this past weekend... again.
this was the first time that, as I headed up I realized WAIT - how many times have I done this mountain now? I have lost track. maybe it is because I am elderly but maaaaaybe, it is because I am elderly.*

it was turning out to be a miserable-hot day. you know - the kind that amplifies the cicadas? I dislike that sort of hot. 4 people were in my group that day, plus one friend in high-tops on a mountain bike with a kick-stand that started earlier (his bad-assery is both obvious and exponential). but only 3 out of our 5 made it to the top. the heat was a major enemy. mile after mile I passed strangers that had pulled over in to the shade. every time I asked if he/she was okay, I would get an indiscernible YES-nod followed by a "keep on going" hand signal.

not a comfortable way to leave someone.

about 2 miles from the top, I passed a man laying in the shade, back against a tree, nearly stripped of all biking gear in an attempt to cool off his bald salty head. he asked me to tell his friend Craig at the top that he was not going to make it.

that is one way to motivate me to get there I suppose.

upon arrival, we took our first official tour of the Lick Observatory (yes, I found Craig first). coincidentally, the Observatory was celebrating its 125th year. we learned several interesting factoids like, James Lick's body is buried underneath the Observatory (um...?), Mr. Lick had a very large... beard, the floor takes approximately 2 minutes to raise to the level of the telescope allowing you to see through it, the 'desk' controlling the telescope looks like something out of Star Trek, and the walls are original and not finished.

happy anniversary Lick Observatory! thank you for giving me (and thousands of others) an amazing prize every time I reach the top of Mt. Hamilton Rd.

in other news...
...why aren't YOU killing the bugs? said me to Romeo
...O_O said Romeo to me
...*see what I did there?

action items -by Romeo Lindenmuth

my mailman 

- not OK. must bark with high pitch at the slightest scent.

anyone's mailman 
- not OK. same as above.

any mailman's car, in any city, any where 
- not OK. but not as evil if unoccupied.

any person with a leaf blower, lawn mower, vacuum, or motorcycle (even those 3-wheeled ones) 
- not OK. nibble wheels or boots if possible.

anyone behind my front door 
- not OK.

anyone at my front door with the door open 
- OK. smell crotch and / or punch penis.

cat that runs away 
- not OK. deserves to be run after.

cat that does not run away 
- OK. but awkward. makes me throw up in my mouth and swallow it.

dark large pipes on the side of the road at night from the car 
- not OK. growling sufficient.

person walking towards me from 2 blocks away wearing baggy pants and a hat 
- not OK. bark but also wag tail just in case.

something that lady drops on the kitchen counter that resembles the sound of a burglar breaking in 
- not OK. prepare to get sprayed with water bottle.

real squirrel 
- not OK. must destroy.

stuffed squirrel 
- depends on if I just saw a real squirrel.

groceries 
- OK. open bags with face as this is my duty.

children talking outside 
- OK.

adults talking outside 
- not OK. clearly they are plotting against us. must sound bigger in my barks.

something I did not hear 
- not OK. but this will get me attention. prepare for possible water bottle spray.

anything that could be made smaller 
- not OK. make it smaller. barking / growling not necessary.

stay high all my life

when was the last time you did something for the first time?

for me - yesterday.

the stupid side of me thought it would be a good idea to publicize the thought of cycling 3 major Bay Area mountains in 3 days - because making that public would force me to oblige to the task.

for once, the stupid side of me was right. I obliged.

what I have to show for it are tan lines (or should I say, burn lines) and a butt rash.
the smart me should have made sure I applied sunscreen EVERYWHERE on myself but instead, I only ensured other people did.

*you are welcome other people.

Friday? Mt. Diablo!

as it turned out, no fellow cyclists of mine could meet up - which is typically all I need to stay home and eat chips and nutella all day while watching Family Guy reruns. but dammit, my challenge was made public. I had to go.

adding to that... I had an emergency phone call with a dear friend of mine and, after hearing that her pup had very unexpectedly passed away the night before... the outdoors beckoned. our hearts are saddened and I felt and continue to feel so terrible. her Aston was the same age as my Romeo and I knew if I stayed home I would stay sad: chip in one hand, Romeo in the other. so I kiss/hugged him goodbye and swore to punch Diablo in the nuts for Aston.

the road up was fairly easy. no deviations; complications; challenges. just up and up. it was great to ride it the day before Amgen as I saw everyone preparing for the big day. teams cleaned the roads, fixed holes, setup signs - serious business. the very top of the mountain was closed due to tent setups but I enjoyed a wonderful view nonetheless. then very quickly made my exit to prepare for the following day.

Mt. Tamalpais!

remember that shindig you planned that went anything but smooth? someone's car was towed; the cops visited; the mattress got stuck on the roof. well, I had planned this group trek up Mt. Tam and worried myself to shits that nothing would go right. I am not familiar with city navigating and somehow I had gotten 9 people to RSVP YES to my nervous plan. thank goodness for nice strangers.

several of the people I had never met had cycled this route dozens of times and they completely saved me and stepped up to help and lead the group. *whew.

I played sweeper and ensured no one was left behind. after a couple of unsure turns, we curved our way up to the top and enjoyed one of the best views I have ever earned. the route itself was not one of my favorites... but the view was AMAZING. ..and kudos to the tall impromptu leader in yellow! thanks Jeremy : D

now back down, around and on to Mt. Hamilton!

seriously, THREE straight days of mountains? what the hell. I threw my biking gear on before I had a chance to think about it. wearing clean shorts with no underwear is a commitment - my vageen has TOUCHED the material... can't back down now!

at least I had a few things going my way for this one. a friend was joining me and this concrete has met my tires 4 times before this day so, I knew what to expect.

we got a bit of a late start - a HOT start. there was a goat standing on top of a dog agility course ladder off in a field. so - you know - that was fun to talk about for several familiar miles. I sang my new addiction aloud which was a nice replacement of my last one.

after resting in the shade of our first stop, my vageenal area felt like it did not want to be felt. the road was extra bumpy today - in a very horrible way. seeing a small rattlesnake on my side of the road made me forget all about that though. in a survival of the fittest, my womanhood was not going to get in my way. so I screamed and nearly crashed in to my friend. (seemed like the best option at the time)

when I got hot and grumpy, I reminded myself:

Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right.

and 6 days prior, I thought I could. that alone was enough to get me to the top.

after screaming (again) and barely avoiding a fat snake on the way down the mountain, guess what movie I need to watch for the 8th time?

in other news...

...are you kidding? how could there be more news than climbing 12,500ft and getting a heart-shaped rash on me bum?

...ok but really, listen.

Mt. Weekend

what month is it again?

this morning, whilst yawning and farting in bed (yes, simultaneously) I remembered I had promised a friend I would accompany him on providing a tour to a visitor at our work establishment.

in an hour.

Romeo was not too pleased with his rushed short walk but you know what? I am the bread-winner. and the bacon-bringer-homer. so he can shove it (while I pray he doesn't poop on my pillow - at least not until I return home).

the brevity of the tour made me realize just how sad my work site is, but also how much of an advocate I am for it. it is small, unspectacular, without fountains, void of free items (except crappy coffee that is always cold), and cubicles smaller than most hotel restrooms. but the parking is covered, the gym EXISTS, and I can walk in the park during lunch if I so choose.
that seems like a pretty simple recipe for happy if you ask me.

being able to find more post-its somewhere would be nice but, first-world problems you know?

...

if you have not noticed, biking entries have dwindled. two major bike rides are right around the corner yet time has held me ransom to only gym running and lifting, daytime parties, and squats in my kitchen. I have done some hills during the week after work but, at this point? anything less than 50 miles does not count.
therefore I am amping myself up for an unachievable upcoming weekend goal.
Friday? Mt. Diablo
Saturday? Mt. Tam
Sunday? Mt. Hamilton

in other news...
...my butt quivers simply thinking of the total elevation climb coming its way
...pull-ups are my new gym-enemy. gynemy. gymemy. engymemy.
...suppositories are not as bad as they sound
...at the dog park today, I made Romeo give me a high-5 every time he ran to me. good game Rome
...what is your favorite congratulatory food? I will combine them all Sunday night for dinner before I pass out on my plate.

Happy Hamilton to me!

this week's task?
leaving a dried nail polish crumb trail everywhere I go.
so far so good.

I recently turned 32 (shh - don't tell myself), and was pleasantly spoiled by the people I love and like. the flowers were tossed in the garbage just yesterday but my stack of cards still sits on my counter to remind myself how lucky I am.
maybe getting older is not that bad.

part of the day-of-birth festivities involved a group trek up Mt. Hamilton... my 4th time but for 2 of my buddies, it was their 1st. it was a nice feeling seeing people show up... tires pumped, body caffeinated, sunblock applied, nerves jittered - all for me (sort of).

we started off in chatty song - admiring the homes and goats and dog obstacle courses OH MY. roosters cock-a-doddle-dooed but were a bit tardy for the party. 10am is no time to doodle-doo if you ask me.

a few breaks were in order as our newest cyclist was sans padded shorts. we made sure to talk about his butt as much as we could. that acts as encouragement, right?

it was a very popular serious (my whole outfit is skin-tight and matches) cyclist day - I credit the weather. clear skies, warm sun, not summer... it doesn't get more perfect. moods were high and happy as we counted down the miles to the top. other cyclists paused to talk about the weather and what we were all training for - several were also doing the Death Ride this July so we instantly had lots to share.

after about 14 miles, Mt. Hamilton runs out of safe spots to pull over as a group. shade becomes sparse and the road narrows so, we separated. as usual, Rai's steroids kicked in and he flew to the top. John and I stuck together so I could yell insults at him every time we turned another switch back. Kian's unpadded soft spot continued further back whilst soaking up every ounce of shade he could. his sunburn was getting sunburned.

a content AND LARGE rattlesnake was coiled up in the center of the road. while that worked as a motivator to increase speed, it also increased worry for Kian's well-being. then I remembered the fame a snake brought to Britney, and I knew Kian would be okay.

Rai remembered how much I dislike being shouted at from the top as he relaxed and I continued to grunt my way up a steep incline so, he politely - and silently - waved at me like the Queen.

once John arrived, we basked in the sun and swung our feet while looking out for Kian to make sure he wasn't 1. sunburned in to human jerky or 2. swallowed by a snake.

luckily, he was alright (and now ready to invest in real biker shorts).

it was a pretty amazing day spent with a few of my favorite people.

in other news...
...nail polish remover is a luxury. but a useful luxury.
...during my dog's final 'poop' walk late last night, he decided to leisurely sniff everything. being impatient, I told him sternly "you can't shit out of your face!" while that is in fact accurate, that is not the most sane thing to be saying in the middle of the night. to a dog.
...Mt. Tam. my thighs burn for you already.