how does that make you feel?

"my office moved" my doctor said as she escorted me through the halls.

upon entering it, I realize it looks exactly the same and that I might possibly be having an Inception moment.

"the windows are slightly bigger" she added. oh ok. (very slight)

her uncomfortably sanitary couch is my 'safe' place.

safe to say what I want; how I feel (no matter how stupid); that dumb thing I did last night that I do not understand. she does not judge or gasp; compare or look at me in a way that makes me feel wrong. instead she listens, prompts me to find answers to my own questions, remembers the names of people in my life, and laughs when I say something funny.

(I bet she has a lot of friends)

coincidentally, her waiting room could not be more opposite (I exaggerate. it could be more opposite).

it is a room shared with other doctors and is typically decorated with someone that is sobbing, someone that is talking too loud about personal stuff with a stranger (who is trying to get away), someone still in their pajamas, someone complaining loudly about the water cups being cone-shaped, someone deciding this is the best place to dump everything out of her purse and clean it. on the ground.

sigh. those stupid cups.

in other news...

...the big spider I smashed in my bedroom last week was more impressive than this year's Super Bowl. at least I did not dirty my shoe for it.

...being stressed, worried, not sleeping, and not eating is resulting in me doing dumb things to my boyfriend. or is it the other way around?

...how do you stop a Ruferee from throwing flags on the play?

putting out fires

"for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so"
Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2

the mind is a powerful (evil and wonderful) tool.

it can turn a prospective birthday party in to a mental breakdown.
it can make a catastrophic hospital visit, calm.

in 3 months, I turn 33 (I think). my mind writes my 'birthday party' story as such... I am turning old, living alone, with a sad dog, no kids, behind on everything that is 'normal', without any real quality to entice people to celebrate, anyone that does come does it out of sympathy.
I will cancel it the day before.

2 years ago I visited my uncle at the hospital. instructed to say my final goodbye, I stood next to him... with tears threatening, my mind took a photo of myself there - in that room at that very moment - and put it in a 'box'. I imagined that box getting smaller. further away. like zooming out in Google maps. that frantic emotion was contained and I was able to talk to him.
he improved and is still with us today.

both of those examples may make you question my sanity... but Mr. Shakespeare was right. thinking is what makes something good or bad.

consider me in training for the good side. I hope you join me... if you are not already there.

in other news...
...today smelled like rain. just smelled. (drought still happening)
..."your feelings result from the messages you give yourself. In fact, your thoughts often have much more to do with how you feel than what is actually happening in your life" - David D. Burns, M.D.
...I was slightly disappointed Romeo sold-out.

John wears pants

1. cleanliness
2. wrinkle-level
3. amount of dog hair

my criteria for dressing for work is not complicated. in fact, it takes me longer to squeeze in to a biking spandex outfit than it does for me to assemble a few pieces for my average work day.

(I think I just took a stab at my own fashion sense and put-togetherness. BURN... to myself.)

a close friend and co-worker of mine spends much more time fine-tuning his appearance and it always gives me a reason to trip in to his cube and see what's on the 'menu'. my admiration for his looks has made me more aware of my clothing purchases so that I can spend the same little time I normally take getting dressed, but look better (even if just by a fraction. or a dog hair).

in other news...
...there is no better way to get me biking-motivated than to tell me some lady stole my QUEEN OF THE MOUNTAIN ranking on Strava. you're going down woman!!!
...everyone else is feeling better, and I have now absorbed the sickness and resemblance of Smeagol
...3 bike rides and 1 triathlon are on the 2014 horizon thus far. mmm I smell sunscreen!

5 second rule

WELL, SOUP ISN'T HARD TO MAKE - said my uncle after I proudly remarked on my excellent first attempt at Chicken Tortilla Soup.

no offense taken. after all, this is the guy that cooks bacon-wrapped mango-and-jalapeno-stuffed duck breast for the NFC championship game (imagine what he would cook for the Super Bowl).
he is my 'family chef' idol.

besides, the soup was for my sick boyfriend who dislikes the typical chicken-soup-for-sick-people remedy... so, if learning something new (albeit 'easy') will make him sound like he is not dying then I am all for it.

in other news...
...Richard Sherman's nickname should be: No Human's Hero.
...yesterday I spent an hour making my parents' kitchen QUIETER. seems like an odd way to spend a vacation hour now that I think about it.
...so, I asked my boyfriend to feed my dog...

dog magnet

my car was hit by a dog.

you read it right.

my Romeo was in a fit of excitement over an unexpected visit from his buddy Bolt (you know, the dog who is constantly being chased by his owner around the apartment complex). Romeo and Bolt danced together in a tight annoying circle, sniffing butts and faces until I told Rome ENOUGH. GET IN THE CAR.

well, remember those game shows where a contestant gets to pick 1 of 2 doors - one has a convertible behind it and the other has a year's supply of oatmeal?
Rome picked the oatmeal.

the car door that had been open 2 minutes ago was now shut and his attempt to show-off his jumping skills by getting in the car without looking led to him propelling his little body straight in to my Xterra's steel.

sigh.

Bolt and his owner shyly withdrew.

luckily Rome was okay. his heart raced while I held him and inspected his head, nose, teeth, gums, chest, and paws. my dad observed him for the remainder of the day and assured me via text ROMEO LOVES BARKING AT THE ROOFERS. good boy!

my steel now shows tiny scratches from tiny paws. a badge that proudly states THIS CAR IS OWNED BY A TRIATHLETE AND HER SMALL AND RARELY STUPID DOG.

in other news...
...time to start peeing on your plants (or fires). we are officially having a drought!
...is facebook really that important that we are inventing cars to drive on their own?
...I know I am watching too much Dr. Who when I start trying to recreate the Tardis sound several times a day.

who threw up in the kitchen???

twoTHOUSANDtenPLUSfour

we are 14 days in and the stupidest thing I have done thus far is step in dog poop.
and then gum.
in new running shoes.
not bad actually.

oh wait - I did write a check to sixty eight dollars instead of Maria Lindenmuth.
(sshhh)

a friend this year emailed me his 2014 resolutions - all cycling related. I admired the strategy of making it public to friends who would hold him to it. fortunate (or unfortunate) for him, I am no where near his speed and / or strength to even KNOW how he does with them. but do not fret friend! I will STILL SUPPORT YOU (from several miles back, or possibly even from bed).

I picked a resolution out of a jar (really, I did) and got WRITE A PRISONER A LETTER (www.writeaprisoner.com).
it is not a BAD idea I suppose. so long as I do not have to include my measurements and / or address.
(or a shiv)

do you have a resolution?

in other news...
...I love it when my router is broken because it was accidentally unplugged (whew! major meltdown averted)
...a brown candle looks a lot like the chocolate milk I just poured myself. however it does NOT, taste the same.
...why do dogs always vomit at 4am?

you make the bed you lie in

"this is the 2nd worst Christmas ever" - my dad on Christmas Eve.

my mom and I did not know what he meant but this was an important holiday and I didn't listen to negativity. life is only as good as you make it. if you think this is the 2nd worst Christmas ever, then that is what it will be.

for me? it was one of the best. but it was not without effort... I

- cooked a turkey-loaf with my boyfriend before he flew home (which left me with crap-tons of leftover loaf. WIN!)

- attended my work holiday party (and maybe drank a lot)

- watched Flight, Frances Ha, Identity Thief, Ice Age: Continental Drift, and Safety Not Guaranteed (not all on the same night)

- had dinner in San Francisco with some girlfriends (can you say, "sangrias"?)

- watched little Evo open my gift (and he started saying my name!)

- attended my knitting club's holiday party (hugs all around)

- drove myself through amazing Christmas lights (straight-up traffic jam in there)

- ate brunch with my cousin and his wife from Maine (after 10am, immediately started drinking mimosas)

- baked cookies with my cousins (burnt myself since I was drinking mimosas)

- spent hours at the park with my Romeo (pretty sure he loves me more after that)

- spent 2 nights at my aunts house with her family (excellent food over there)

- watched We're the Millers with my aunt ("it's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway")

- watched little Brooke open my gifts (although I think she enjoys cleaning up after herself more than she does unwrapping)

- watched LOTS OF DOCTOR WHO (probably too much)

- enjoyed Christmas Day with 30+ members of my family (not to mention, 3 vodka martinis)

in other news...

...today is the 1 year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. and I have lots of great things on the menu!

...2014 in just 3 days! so many bike races, so little time...

...1:30pm is as good a time as 8am to take a shower I suppose.