action items -by Romeo Lindenmuth

my mailman 
- not OK. must bark with high pitch at the slightest scent.

anyone's mailman 
- not OK. same as above.

any mailman's car, in any city, any where 
- not OK. but not as evil if unoccupied.

any person with a leaf blower, lawn mower, vacuum, or motorcycle (even those 3-wheeled ones) 
- not OK. nibble wheels or boots if possible.

anyone behind my front door 
- not OK.

anyone at my front door with the door open 
- OK. smell crotch and / or punch penis.

cat that runs away 
- not OK. deserves to be run after.

cat that does not run away 
- OK. but awkward. makes me throw up in my mouth and swallow it.

dark large pipes on the side of the road at night from the car 
- not OK. growling sufficient.

person walking towards me from 2 blocks away wearing baggy pants and a hat 
- not OK. bark but also wag tail just in case.

something that lady drops on the kitchen counter that resembles the sound of a burglar breaking in 
- not OK. prepare to get sprayed with water bottle.

real squirrel 
- not OK. must destroy.

stuffed squirrel 
- depends on if I just saw a real squirrel.

- OK. open bags with face as this is my duty.

children talking outside 
- OK.

adults talking outside 
- not OK. clearly they are plotting against us. must sound bigger in my barks.

something I did not hear 
- not OK. but this will get me attention. prepare for possible water bottle spray.

anything that could be made smaller 
- not OK. make it smaller. barking / growling not necessary.


stay high all my life

when was the last time you did something for the first time?
for me - yesterday.

the stupid side of me thought it would be a good idea to publicize the thought of cycling 3 major Bay Area mountains in 3 days - because making that public would force me to oblige to the task.
for once, the stupid side of me was right. I obliged.

what I have to show for it are tan lines (or should I say, burn lines) and a butt rash.
the smart me should have made sure I applied sunscreen EVERYWHERE on myself but instead, I only ensured other people did.
*you are welcome other people.

Friday? Mt. Diablo!

as it turned out, no fellow cyclists of mine could meet up - which is typically all I need to stay home and eat chips and nutella all day while watching Family Guy reruns. but dammit, my challenge was made public. I had to go.
adding to that... I had an emergency phone call with a dear friend of mine and, after hearing that her pup had very unexpectedly passed away the night before... the outdoors beckoned. our hearts are saddened and I felt and continue to feel so terrible. her Aston was the same age as my Romeo and I knew if I stayed home I would stay sad: chip in one hand, Romeo in the other. so I kiss/hugged him goodbye and swore to punch Diablo in the nuts for Aston.
the road up was fairly easy. no deviations; complications; challenges. just up and up. it was great to ride it the day before Amgen as I saw everyone preparing for the big day. teams cleaned the roads, fixed holes, setup signs - serious business. the very top of the mountain was closed due to tent setups but I enjoyed a wonderful view nonetheless. then very quickly made my exit to prepare for the following day.

remember that shindig you planned that went anything but smooth? someone's car was towed; the cops visited; the mattress got stuck on the roof. well, I had planned this group trek up Mt. Tam and worried myself to shits that nothing would go right. I am not familiar with city navigating and somehow I had gotten 9 people to RSVP YES to my nervous plan. thank goodness for nice strangers.

several of the people I had never met had cycled this route dozens of times and they completely saved me and stepped up to help and lead the group. *whew.
I played sweeper and ensured no one was left behind. after a couple of unsure turns, we curved our way up to the top and enjoyed one of the best views I have ever earned. the route itself was not one of my favorites... but the view was AMAZING. ..and kudos to the tall impromptu leader in yellow! thanks Jeremy : D

now back down, around and on to Mt. Hamilton!
seriously, THREE straight days of mountains? what the hell. I threw my biking gear on before I had a chance to think about it. wearing clean shorts with no underwear is a commitment - my vageen has TOUCHED the material... can't back down now!
at least I had a few things going my way for this one. a friend was joining me and this concrete has met my tires 4 times before this day so, I knew what to expect.
we got a bit of a late start - a HOT start. there was a goat standing on top of a dog agility course ladder off in a field. so - you know - that was fun to talk about for several familiar miles. I sang my new addiction aloud which was a nice replacement of my last one.

after resting in the shade of our first stop, my vageenal area felt like it did not want to be felt. the road was extra bumpy today - in a very horrible way. seeing a small rattlesnake on my side of the road made me forget all about that though. in a survival of the fittest, my womanhood was not going to get in my way. so I screamed and nearly crashed in to my friend. (seemed like the best option at the time)

when I got hot and grumpy, I reminded myself:
Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right.
and 6 days prior, I thought I could. that alone was enough to get me to the top.
after screaming (again) and barely avoiding a fat snake on the way down the mountain, guess what movie I need to watch for the 8th time?

in other news...
...are you kidding? how could there be more news than climbing 12,500ft and getting a heart-shaped rash on me bum?
...ok but really, listen.


Mt. Weekend

what month is it again?

this morning, whilst yawning and farting in bed (yes, simultaneously) I remembered I had promised a friend I would accompany him on providing a tour to a visitor at our work establishment.

in an hour.

Romeo was not too pleased with his rushed short walk but you know what? I am the bread-winner. and the bacon-bringer-homer. so he can shove it (while I pray he doesn't poop on my pillow - at least not until I return home).

the brevity of the tour made me realize just how sad my work site is, but also how much of an advocate I am for it. it is small, unspectacular, without fountains, void of free items (except crappy coffee that is always cold), and cubicles smaller than most hotel restrooms. but the parking is covered, the gym EXISTS, and I can walk in the park during lunch if I so choose.
that seems like a pretty simple recipe for happy if you ask me.

being able to find more post-its somewhere would be nice but, first-world problems you know?


if you have not noticed, biking entries have dwindled. two major bike rides are right around the corner yet time has held me ransom to only gym running and lifting, daytime parties, and squats in my kitchen. I have done some hills during the week after work but, at this point? anything less than 50 miles does not count.
therefore I am amping myself up for an unachievable upcoming weekend goal.
Friday? Mt. Diablo
Saturday? Mt. Tam
Sunday? Mt. Hamilton

in other news...
...my butt quivers simply thinking of the total elevation climb coming its way
...pull-ups are my new gym-enemy. gynemy. gymemy. engymemy.
...suppositories are not as bad as they sound
...at the dog park today, I made Romeo give me a high-5 every time he ran to me. good game Rome
...what is your favorite congratulatory food? I will combine them all Sunday night for dinner before I pass out on my plate.


Happy Hamilton to me!

this week's task?
leaving a dried nail polish crumb trail everywhere I go.
so far so good.

I recently turned 32 (shh - don't tell myself), and was pleasantly spoiled by the people I love and like. the flowers were tossed in the garbage just yesterday but my stack of cards still sits on my counter to remind myself how lucky I am.
maybe getting older is not that bad.

part of the day-of-birth festivities involved a group trek up Mt. Hamilton... my 4th time but for 2 of my buddies, it was their 1st. it was a nice feeling seeing people show up... tires pumped, body caffeinated, sunblock applied, nerves jittered - all for me (sort of).

we started off in chatty song - admiring the homes and goats and dog obstacle courses OH MY. roosters cock-a-doddle-dooed but were a bit tardy for the party. 10am is no time to doodle-doo if you ask me.

a few breaks were in order as our newest cyclist was sans padded shorts. we made sure to talk about his butt as much as we could. that acts as encouragement, right?

it was a very popular serious (my whole outfit is skin-tight and matches) cyclist day - I credit the weather. clear skies, warm sun, not summer... it doesn't get more perfect. moods were high and happy as we counted down the miles to the top. other cyclists paused to talk about the weather and what we were all training for - several were also doing the Death Ride this July so we instantly had lots to share.

after about 14 miles, Mt. Hamilton runs out of safe spots to pull over as a group. shade becomes sparse and the road narrows so, we separated. as usual, Rai's steroids kicked in and he flew to the top. John and I stuck together so I could yell insults at him every time we turned another switch back. Kian's unpadded soft spot continued further back whilst soaking up every ounce of shade he could. his sunburn was getting sunburned.

a content AND LARGE rattlesnake was coiled up in the center of the road. while that worked as a motivator to increase speed, it also increased worry for Kian's well-being. then I remembered the fame a snake brought to Britney, and I knew Kian would be okay.

Rai remembered how much I dislike being shouted at from the top as he relaxed and I continued to grunt my way up a steep incline so, he politely - and silently - waved at me like the Queen.

once John arrived, we basked in the sun and swung our feet while looking out for Kian to make sure he wasn't 1. sunburned in to human jerky or 2. swallowed by a snake.

luckily, he was alright (and now ready to invest in real biker shorts).

it was a pretty amazing day spent with a few of my favorite people.
in other news...
...nail polish remover is a luxury. but a useful luxury.
...during my dog's final 'poop' walk late last night, he decided to leisurely sniff everything. being impatient, I told him sternly "you can't shit out of your face!" while that is in fact accurate, that is not the most sane thing to be saying in the middle of the night. to a dog.
...Mt. Tam. my thighs burn for you already.