so I have really been tearing apart my own brain recently. swinging faster than grandfather clock pendulum seconds between running and not running. running and not running. runningandnotrunning. runningandnotrunning.
I feel like I can't take myself seriously anymore because of my indecisiveness. I started writing two weeks ago about the half-marathon I had chosen - but I didn't publish it. as if, in case I changed my mind, at least it was never 'official' anyway. this disappoints me. I disappoint me.
and then during one of my methodical drives home from work that you don't remember because you do it every day, I made a connection. my junior year I confronted my coach and told him I wasn't going to play this year. I choked up and embarrassed myself and he didn't believe me. and I guess I didn't believe me either because I got myself out there and had one of my best years. then I didn't play my senior year.
and to this day, I hate that choice I made.
and now here I am about to make another stupid decision like that followed by who-knows-how-many years of regret.
the truth is, I am 26 years old. recently married. planning to have kids in 2 years and 2 months (exactly). and if there is any time in my life in which it is fitting and within reach to run a half-marathon, it is NOW.
time to change the past.